15/07/2014

PERHAPS

Hi I guess?

Kinda removed all the external links that lead to this blog (including the ones from Twitter's bio section and Instagram's) simply because I wanna get the pleasure of writing without having to hesitate - SAY NO TO READERS. THEY'RE NOT ALLOWED. Or at least only those bloggers who are following my blog can still read but most of them are anons anyway so there's no need to worry.

I just decided to write simply because

#1. I wanna write

#2. I'm having trouble sleeping

#3. It's raining outside, which explains why it was cold all night long. I know it would be a waste for not sleeping in this kind of weather (most people would agree with this) but for me, I would call it a waste of time for not writing in this kind of weather.

#4. My mind is clogged with thoughts.

Um ok.

I have to admit, I've spent so much time sleeping for the last couple of weeks. I kind of used jetlag as a scapegoat just to get some extra sleep (this excuse worked with my mom hehehe) while trying to deny the fact that I was too lazy to do anything; I'm now a sloth, probably worse.

Despite my laziness, fellow earthlings, I still managed to finish reading a book (the one I mentioned in the earlier post) and I also managed to watch the movie version of the book. It was ok, I guess. I know the movie version was a bit different from the 316-pages book, but it wasn't bad for a 2 hours movie. For the record, that was the first time I watched a movie version of the book I had previously read. People cried in the movie theatre, needless to say. I broke into tears a little, probably because there was dust in my eyes ha ha. But really, I heard endless sobbing starting from the part where Hazel was told by Augustus that he was dying right until the ending of the movie and at the same time, my stomach was sobbing as well! It was late in the evening, I was fasting and the person next to me was munching caramel popcorn and I was like ok............

So um, liking someone can be that painful, huh? Esp when things go wrong. Apparently, the world is not a wish granting factory (I took this from the book). You can always wish for people to stay in your life for a long time, or for the rain to continue pouring until you finish writing down your thoughts (sadly the rain has stopped) but please, you have to at least prepare for the worst.

And yes, I have to prepare for the worst as well. I have to live with the sad truth that I am very clingy, which is not a good thing since being clingy makes me vulnerable to emotional pain which will further lead to depression. So um what should clingy person like me do in order to avoid the possibility of getting hurt? Perhaps I should stay away from everyone, yes? What would happen if a clingy person like me gets attached? The only rational answer to that question would be

- a complete catastrophe.

And

I sort of let this one person slip into my subconscious mind. I know this might sound stupid, but I did let her in. Idk why, but I really did. I am now, undoubtedly very prone to emotional pain. But somehow I feel ok. Maybe letting someone in was not the right thing to do, but somehow I just wanted to do some favour for myself by getting out of my comfort zone and I'm so glad I did. I am now very fond of her and it feels so good. Tbh, I never actually sought for emotional support when things went out of control, when I felt lost and when all hopes were seemingly gone. Perhaps God heard me in my duas and He actually sent His aid in the form of a living person? Well I've never met such a person; so beautiful on the inside. Perhaps I should hang around for a very long time? Well I probably should, and I definitely will, if God wills. It's too late to stop anyway.

"That one day will come when you're going to be so important to me. So important that nothing could ever replace you. Absolutely nothing"
And again, I know that the world is not a wish granting factory, but I have this wishful thinking that one day, I'll be laying on my bed with my back against my pillow and with my laptop on my lap, writing about her in a cold rainy morning.

** updated on 16th of July **

Perhaps I shouldn't even write about her. Or perhaps I shouldn't even bother to think about writing about her - because like always, the world is not a wish granting factory and I found out the sad and awful truth that I should only get emotionally attached to the right person (How I wish she's the right one and how I wish that one day she would ask me to hang around till the end of time - until our hair turns to grey and until our visions become so weak that even the human's brilliantly invented spectacles couldn't do their fixing) and I also found out that I should just bury my hopes and thoughts because they're all simply made up by me, for me, in order to get the simple pleasure of momentary happiness. Perhaps we all should be aware that happiness doesn't last and it's not ok to lie to ourselves by saying otherwise. Happiness is like; you buy yourself an ice cream on a hot sunny day but you accidentally drop it and you know 5 seconds rule can't be applied and all you can do is stare at the ice cream and think what would have happened if you were not too careless in the beginning. See? That's the closest I can get to describe how awful happiness really is.

But perhaps you should have just bought another ice cream, yes? :) That's the thing about happiness. It doesn't last, but you can always find one. And if you're having trouble finding happiness, turn to God my fellow earthlings. Make your dua'. He listens all the time. He really does. Just like how He heard me in my duas.