15/07/2014

PERHAPS

Hi I guess?

Kinda removed all the external links that lead to this blog (including the ones from Twitter's bio section and Instagram's) simply because I wanna get the pleasure of writing without having to hesitate - SAY NO TO READERS. THEY'RE NOT ALLOWED. Or at least only those bloggers who are following my blog can still read but most of them are anons anyway so there's no need to worry.

I just decided to write simply because

#1. I wanna write

#2. I'm having trouble sleeping

#3. It's raining outside, which explains why it was cold all night long. I know it would be a waste for not sleeping in this kind of weather (most people would agree with this) but for me, I would call it a waste of time for not writing in this kind of weather.

#4. My mind is clogged with thoughts.

Um ok.

I have to admit, I've spent so much time sleeping for the last couple of weeks. I kind of used jetlag as a scapegoat just to get some extra sleep (this excuse worked with my mom hehehe) while trying to deny the fact that I was too lazy to do anything; I'm now a sloth, probably worse.

Despite my laziness, fellow earthlings, I still managed to finish reading a book (the one I mentioned in the earlier post) and I also managed to watch the movie version of the book. It was ok, I guess. I know the movie version was a bit different from the 316-pages book, but it wasn't bad for a 2 hours movie. For the record, that was the first time I watched a movie version of the book I had previously read. People cried in the movie theatre, needless to say. I broke into tears a little, probably because there was dust in my eyes ha ha. But really, I heard endless sobbing starting from the part where Hazel was told by Augustus that he was dying right until the ending of the movie and at the same time, my stomach was sobbing as well! It was late in the evening, I was fasting and the person next to me was munching caramel popcorn and I was like ok............

So um, liking someone can be that painful, huh? Esp when things go wrong. Apparently, the world is not a wish granting factory (I took this from the book). You can always wish for people to stay in your life for a long time, or for the rain to continue pouring until you finish writing down your thoughts (sadly the rain has stopped) but please, you have to at least prepare for the worst.

And yes, I have to prepare for the worst as well. I have to live with the sad truth that I am very clingy, which is not a good thing since being clingy makes me vulnerable to emotional pain which will further lead to depression. So um what should clingy person like me do in order to avoid the possibility of getting hurt? Perhaps I should stay away from everyone, yes? What would happen if a clingy person like me gets attached? The only rational answer to that question would be

- a complete catastrophe.

And

I sort of let this one person slip into my subconscious mind. I know this might sound stupid, but I did let her in. Idk why, but I really did. I am now, undoubtedly very prone to emotional pain. But somehow I feel ok. Maybe letting someone in was not the right thing to do, but somehow I just wanted to do some favour for myself by getting out of my comfort zone and I'm so glad I did. I am now very fond of her and it feels so good. Tbh, I never actually sought for emotional support when things went out of control, when I felt lost and when all hopes were seemingly gone. Perhaps God heard me in my duas and He actually sent His aid in the form of a living person? Well I've never met such a person; so beautiful on the inside. Perhaps I should hang around for a very long time? Well I probably should, and I definitely will, if God wills. It's too late to stop anyway.

"That one day will come when you're going to be so important to me. So important that nothing could ever replace you. Absolutely nothing"
And again, I know that the world is not a wish granting factory, but I have this wishful thinking that one day, I'll be laying on my bed with my back against my pillow and with my laptop on my lap, writing about her in a cold rainy morning.

** updated on 16th of July **

Perhaps I shouldn't even write about her. Or perhaps I shouldn't even bother to think about writing about her - because like always, the world is not a wish granting factory and I found out the sad and awful truth that I should only get emotionally attached to the right person (How I wish she's the right one and how I wish that one day she would ask me to hang around till the end of time - until our hair turns to grey and until our visions become so weak that even the human's brilliantly invented spectacles couldn't do their fixing) and I also found out that I should just bury my hopes and thoughts because they're all simply made up by me, for me, in order to get the simple pleasure of momentary happiness. Perhaps we all should be aware that happiness doesn't last and it's not ok to lie to ourselves by saying otherwise. Happiness is like; you buy yourself an ice cream on a hot sunny day but you accidentally drop it and you know 5 seconds rule can't be applied and all you can do is stare at the ice cream and think what would have happened if you were not too careless in the beginning. See? That's the closest I can get to describe how awful happiness really is.

But perhaps you should have just bought another ice cream, yes? :) That's the thing about happiness. It doesn't last, but you can always find one. And if you're having trouble finding happiness, turn to God my fellow earthlings. Make your dua'. He listens all the time. He really does. Just like how He heard me in my duas.

24/06/2014

PEOPLE

Hello. I pretty suck at writing but when it comes to giving title to blog post, I actually suck even more

I was cleaning my room when I stumbled across The Sims DVD game, uncovered, but covered with dust all over it. I used to enjoy playing this game way back when I was still in the mood of becoming an architect since the game allows you to design your own house while taking total control over your sim(s), interacting wih objects as well as the surroundings. But then, what I like the most about this game is that it allows your sim to interact with other sims; which is pretty exciting and easy. Yes it's whole lot easier to interact in this game than in real life, needless to say.

Don't you think that getting to know people is hard, but um interesting at the same time? It occured to me that some people are actually much more beautiful on the inside - once you get to know them deeper. This is when you sort of realize that the person you are trying to know is different from the rest; that the person might be worth spending your time and effort on and also that the person is worth keeping.

The bad side of getting to know people, however, is very scary - you might not be equally worth, or in another words, you might not be good enough fr them. Like I said, getting to know people is HARD. It's not like in The Sims where you can simply look at the bubbles floating on top of the sim's head to know whether he/she is into you or otherwise

Ok enough

Still couldn't believe that my last 2 days were quite productive. I mean, it's not like I did something useful or good but it's just that I managed to do something other than napping. Which is ok I guess, given that I'm still suffering from jetlag *sigh

I actually managed to finish reading my first novel ever. All I can say is The Fault In Our Stars is wonderful! Thanks to you John Green, I'll definitely grab my own copy of your well-written novel and reread all over again and let myself sink into depression


"You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world, but you do have some say in who hurts you" - TFIOS


I like my choice. I like how you and your book hurt me. Thank you.
Spoiler alert: Augustus Waters and Hazel Grace are actually siblings. Ok.

Yeee I lied about the spoiler. Go read yourself.

I haven't slept since yesterday. I went to the GSC last night. It was late and there were few choices left so my friends and I randomly picked Blended (Adam Sandler plays as the main cast). The movie was very funny, everyone in the hall laughed but I broke into tears. Especially during the part when Lauren sang to Lou her lullaby and kissed Espn when she was pretending to be sleeping. I couldn't quite figure out what changed me. I mean how'd I become so soft on the inside. Perhaps this is just the kind of person I really am. Mmhmmm I was lucky the seats on my right were empty so I secretly used my right sleeve to wipe the tears off my cheek.

06/06/2014

MY DAY GOT RUINED

Hi look who's back here? It's me, the coolest blogger the world has ever known um ok................. I'm still sleepy because of my lack of sleep (you don't say) but fyi, my roommate is not around because the ceiling fan in our room isn't working so he went downstairs instead. I am not so sure about this but I think I like it this way. I get to lock the door and do stuffs all by myself like playing my favorite Coldplay albums out loud or switching on the lights anytime I want without having to worry about disturbing others. I feel like moving out of this house and look for a place with a bit more privacy but I love my housemates and everything else (I have to exclude Pooh ha ha he is shoooo annoying)

I think it's been a while since I last wrote while having pizza with cheese on top and Pepsi ahh I miss the good old days. Things have changed. I am now writing while having maggi and......... THERE ARE PAPERS EVERYWHERE. THERE ARE PAPERS ON MY STUDY TABLE AND THERE ARE PAPERS UNDERNEATH MY LAPTOP AND THERE ARE PAPERS LYING ON TOP OF MY BED. It's ok. Have a good sleep papers, pull the blanket and sleep thightly aite? I have to work my ass off for this upcoming essay exam. Yep, I woke up this morning with the thought of studying since I'll be sitting fr essay exam this Monday and I don't have much time left but I ended up here hehehe I'm dead. Yesterday's paper was ok. Not that 'I think I can secure high marks' kind of ok but 'bolehlah tapi banyak hentam' kind of ok. I was happy with the questions at first but then things started to get wrong when I realised that I had no idea how much time's left since we're not allowed to bring along handphones, etc. So I pressed the panic button and phew, the end result wasn't satisfying at all *iCry

When I was on my way home, I walked down this one street. There were children playing happily among themselves in the middle of the street and I couldn't help myself but to smile. But it lasted just fr a while when I saw a random banana peel being thrown out of nowhere. It suddenly got me thinking; why is everybody being so ignorant of their surrounding? Why is it so hard fr them to at least take a good care of their surrounding? There are kids on the streets lah you people. Kids who might accidentally step on those rubbish that you, ignorant people threw on the ground and injure themselves. Yes I know ignorance is bliss, but this is not the thing you guys should ignore. If people were turtle, I do think the streets will be filled with dead turtles that choked on food wraps or wtv *sigh

Such a stressful day huh, Imtinan?

I have to admit, yes. But it's ok, given the fact that people who inspire and know how to lift my spirit sky-high do exist. People who can assure you that things are gonna be fine and shower you with warm advice while reminding you not to forget your Creator up there since He is the one who can make all your hard work pays off are the ones you should keep by any means whatsoever. Well I hope you know how bad I am trying to keep you around without telling you; because I am clingy and I don't feel ok with that. The feeling might develop so easily, so fondly and one day I might have to stay away.

And like I said earlier, it is ok not to feel ok, sometimes.

04/05/2014

STUCK IN REVERSE UH OH

"I lacked the courage so I asked for your comforting words instead. It's just my very own way of telling you that I need you"

This post is going to be a long one heheh ok no

Um saje nak cakap, the guy who tackled me in the futsal tournament last month took my happiness away from me since running requires twisting and stretching of the ankle joint andddddddddddd it hurts every single time :C so basically I couldn't find joy in doing the thing I enjoy doing the most for the time being and it proves to be costly since it's my biggest source of happiness. It frustrates me instead. I never thought that physical pain relates so much with emotional pain. Unhappy Imtinan is both physically and emotionally wounded.

But that's just one small thing. I'm still suffering from my inability to move forward; I've been running in circle all these while. I have to admit that changing is nowhere near as easy as it sounds and I also have to admit that I dislike the person I am now.
"you shall not pass" said my inner demon, quietly
Yep it's not gonna be easy. Life is more than just about growing up, finding a girl, getting married and growing old together just like in the fairytales. Growing up alone is not enough. I gotta discover my own personality, chase away my inner demons and fix myself, just enough fr someone to stick around through thick and thin. Someone who'll eventually lose her beauty someday but I won't let go. It's inner beauty that matters the most anyway since others are just temporary. But I bet I'm gonna have a very hard time finding my soulmate since I've never been in relationship before (lack of experience lol wtv) and I'm trying my best not to be an introvert anymore (I enjoy thinking, exploring my thoughts and feelings and I often avoid social situations because being around people drains my energy; like putting my earphones on just to avoid any conversation). I am quite a shy person too ha ha ha I cri evri tiem.

I have to admit, the idea of being in love sounds so mesmerizing even though it is a lil bit out of reach. Because I used to like this one person long time ago and at one point our feelings were actually mutual but we didn't end up together. Well past is past anyway and the feeling has totally faded away, Alhamdulillah. Maybe there's more than meets the eye. But then, what I'm trying to say here is having someone who actually cares about us is a very wonderful thing. It gives us reason, I mean lots of reasons to be happy and cheerish every single moment.

Mmhmmm I bet the first person I'm going to end up with in the future is going to be my last one as well yay iHappy :)

15/03/2014

PATIENCE IS VIRTUE

Words do heal: they are more than sufficient to make people feel better even though they suffocate at times.

some inspiring words from a tiny person #eh

One day, they'll somehow realize the pleasure of having someone like you around; someone who will shower them with warm words and good pieces of advice. And I can do nothing but to envy them from afar.
May the force be with you, insyaAllah :)

Ohh btw you guys still remember the time when I told you that Pooh doesn't hate me anymore? Well, I was wrong. The truth is, he wanted to poop but the door which leads to his litter box was firmly closed so he had to wake me up as early as 5 in the morning.

And I bet Pooh still hates me, deep inside. I was hugging and playing with him when I saw this sticky brown-colored liquid on my left arm. Negative thought suddenly came surging since it looked very familiar but I sniffed it anyway.
and................................................... 
Yep, he literally pooped on my arm. It looked very gross and nasty as if the poop was smirking at me


I'll never hug you again Pooh, never in my right mind #hetchu